Sarah, Hopefully

Saturday, August 07, 2004

Drifting

I understand him, but I don't understand myself. If it were entirely in his hands, I know where it would end up... but I'm a half of this whole. I'm a part of it, too. It's me I don't understand. It's me I don't trust. I'm the one who can't make promises. It's easier for me to break things off than to make promises I don't know that I'll be able to keep.

I think we finally understand one another... I understand how he needs hope to be able to go on. He understands that I am incapable of promising. And so... Monday is the beginning of something new in our relationship: the beginning of uncertainty. Not knowing what lies ahead- no promises, no commitments. Just seeing where life takes us.

I still love him so much. If anyone came up to me and said that it's impossible to love at this age, I would slap them across the face. I'm not joking. I hate that people tie love up in this tiny little box and refuse to see that it's so much bigger. I hate that, because I used to be that way. I used to think that the only kind of love was the "forever" kind. That I could only love the person I married. That's not true, though. I love my family, I love my friends. I love Murl. I'm willing to love and not overanalyze it, not try to decide if it's puppy love or teenage love or forever love... it's all love. I don't think you can say from where you are what kind of love you're living, because the real test, the real proof is the end. When you look back on your life, on all the people you have loved, and say... that was true love. I loved that person, but our love wasn't strong enough. I told myself that I loved that one, but I didn't, really.

I love him. You can't take that away from me. I won't let you. I will continue to love him until it is no longer the time for this love. I don't know when that is. Neither does he. It's hard, I'll admit that. Everyone wants certainty in their lives, but I've decided to live with uncertainty. To not make promises that I may not keep. To see what happens next. It's the best I can do. If that doesn't satisfy you- so be it. It's my life, not yours. Wait until you fall in love for the first time, and then maybe I'll let you offer your opinion. Not before.

I start packing tomorrow. Yippee. I should go to bed.

1 Comments:

  • Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

    Yep, never says a thing about a husband. Go for the gusto there, Sarah. Tell anyone who questions you to shove off.

    Always Believe,

    By Blogger Good Ol' WT, at 5:48 PM  

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