Sarah, Hopefully

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Ready.

You know what the problem with being able to use the computer 3 times within 24 hours is? Nobody has written anything new for me to read, so there´s not really anyting to do.

Today has been a weird day. I forgot to turn on my alarm last night, so I woke up out of a weird dream when Katie opened our bedroom door when she came back from her shower. That´s okay, though, because that´s when I normally get out of bed. It was just strange that that was the first time I was waking up. We were on time to our bus stop, but two buses that had tons of empty space passed us by. That meant that when the third bus finally stopped it was jammed full of people. And it smelled like pee. Really, really gross. Also, we were running late because we had to wait so long. Joy! Katie wanted to go to the doctor because she´s been feeling sick and she somehow strained a muscle under one eye (don´t ask me how), so I wound up walking most of the way from the gate of the university to my first class alone. It´s really a beautiful morning here in Guadalajara... blue skies, sunshine, not hot yet.

I was thinking as I walked... I feel ready for college. Maybe it´s just this morning or this week... but I could picture myself walking across a real campus, having my own college experience, going to classes, having a major... Sometimes being here feels really half-assed. It´s like... I´m in college, but I´m not in college. I´m taking college classes, but they´re not REALLY college classes. I am a student at this school, but it´s a really weird school that doesn´t even have on-campus housing. I´m tired of playing dress-up. I want to be the REAL thing!

I took a test this morning... I felt really good about it beforehand. I studied, I knew the stuff, I was ready. Then she handed out the test and I got all mixed up... there were some things there I wasn´t expecting and didn´t really know how to deal with. I don´t know at this point how well I did. I know I´m one of those people who always panics and thinks they did horribly on tests afterwards... but seriously. I´m not sure about this one. I need to get a good grade on this test and on my final on Friday so I can move on to Level 5. If I have to retake this level, I will scream! I only need an 80% in Spanish to move up. I think I can do it. I hope I can. I just feel... discouraged.

I feel so DUMB here. The entire world around me is in on all of these big secrets, and I´m clueless. The secrets of how these people think and speak and behave... the history, the reasons why, the cultural stigma... I am out of the loop. I try to make these conjectures or draw conclusions about the people around me or my experiences, but I wind up seeming contrived, clueless, and juevenile. I feel stupid for being here because I don´t really care. I don´t have any great motivations or higher callings. I don´t feel particularly drawn to the service, I don´t need the credits to graduate... I´m just here. I feel like I´m in limbo.

I keep reading about everyone´s experiences at college... Courtney´s adventures at GA Tech, Jenny´s first days at Knox, William´s integration into choir at Willamette, Murl´s tales of living on the 9th floor at KU... Even just reading what my sister has to say about John Brown. I wish I were in college now. I wish I didn´t have to wait until next year to have those experiences... none of you are going to care when I´m stressing about typical freshmen things next fall. You´ll all be sophomores- experienced, confident, knowledgable. Bleh. I envy you people!

Maybe I´m feeling kind of homesick again. I don´t know. Not especially... it´s just hard to be missing out on things. My dad´s side of the family had a get-together on Saturday for Labor Day weekend, and I didn´t get to be there... everyone was there! My parents, my sister... they went to visit my grandpa in the hospital and took pictures of him with all of the "great-grandchild" generation, which is growing bigger all the time. I can count on one hand the number of times I have ridden in a car since being here. Some days you just get really tired of bouncing around on hot, smelly, crowded buses. I´m tired of Spanish and trying to memorize all of the rules. I wish I could just find something to drink that doesn´t leave a disgusting, sugary, almost diet-flavored aftertaste in my mouth. I wish that the dumb package my parents sent me would GET HERE already so I didn´t have to feel like an idiot for going into the Intercambio office EVERY DAY and asking the SAME QUESTION.

Really, I just want a hug. A hug from my mom, or from one of my close friends... I don´t think people do hugs here. Or if they do, it´s not the same... it´s social, like the kisses on the cheek are social. It´s so tiring to always be on the outside. It´s so tiring to never feel like you belong or fit in.

Sorry, this post is kind of a bummer.

2 Comments:

  • The MARTA, uh... cab/car/thing-with-seats we took yesterday smelled like pee. Also, there was a crazy skinny black man muttering to himself as he climbed from car to car. :P

    By Blogger Courtney, at 9:16 AM  

  • Sar, we'll still be young enough to remember. but I know exactly what you mean. I went through it for two weeks, though. not an entire year. you'll pull through, and it will make the college experience that much better

    By Blogger Genevieve, at 10:50 AM  

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