Sarah, Hopefully

Saturday, October 02, 2004

Hey, güey

I really like how groups of friends down here call each other "güey" instead of "dude" or... whatever the American alternative is. It just sounds cool, and it´s also fun to write with the ¨ over the u. They don´t really pronounce the g, so it sounds a lot like "way." If anything, they glot the g. Only choir people are going to get that. Oh well. They glot the g of güey, okay?

I´m not in a very good mood today. I don´t really know what my problem is. This week has been... a real roller coaster. I´m ready to get off the ride now, please. Basically my thoughts come down to this: boys are problematic. They´ve caused me problems this week, anyway... argh. I just... hate myself right now. That´s really what it comes down to. I have no idea who the hell I am this week, and I really hate it.

I know I should be updating you on what´s been going on this week... I wrote a post on Thursday, but it failed to save. I don´t know. Wednesday I went to a school futbol game, but the Tecos (the UAG team) sucked pretty bad and lost. Thursday I went with Mateo to visit these ladies from Peru who host UAG students. They were really nice and friendly and the food there was amaaaazing. Yesterday I went on a field trip thingy to Tonalá, which is the artesian colony around here... everything is hand made, etc etc. Last night Mateo and I went to dinner and saw The Manchurian Candidate (or, as it is called here, El Embajador del Miedo).

Let´s talk about the real issue of my week. Firstly... last Friday I was talking to Murl online and we got into an argument of sorts. I wasn´t very nice, but I said some honest things about how we both need to have our own lives where we are right now, etc. I don´t think either of us went away from that conversation feeling very good. Then on Saturday I went to the Chivas game and Mateo... made it pretty obvious that he was attracted to me, which I had no prior knowledge of. So... that was awkward. I sat around all day Sunday thinking... "There is a 25 year old Peruvian American who likes me. What the heck is going on???"

Okay... then on Monday I saw Mateo at school, and we hung out a bit, and we wound up making a "date" I guess you could call it for Monday night. I went to my service after school and then met him at plaza and we went to the movies and all of that... and he held my hand and things like that, but we didn´t really talk about what was going on. Tuesday I saw him at school again and we talked, but we didn´t hang out. Wednesday we went to the Tecos game with Katie and Alfonso and he was again being very... friendly. Holding my hand and stuff. We went walking after that, but eventually just went home.

I should mention that on Tuesday I talked to Murl again, and we finished things for good... Just saying that it´s time for both of us to move on with our lives. I know it´s been really hard for him, and I feel bad about just stating this on here so... factually... but people have to know at some point, and this is probably the easiest way.

Right. So... Thursday Mateo and I went to visit the ladies from Peru. They kept asking him if he was single, and he would like comments like, "Yes, but only if Sarah doesn´t accept me" and things like that. After we left there we were walking around the neighborhood and wound up at this park near his house. We sat down on a bench and were talking and stuff... he just admitted that he really liked me and things. I was like... "Um, you could very easily come across as a creepy older man trying to take advantage of a younger girl." But yeah... he wound up kissing me. And then I was like... oh wait. I should probably mention that, uh, I´m a virgin and I kind of plan to stay that way for... well, a long time. Say, until marriage? Which I could see was slightly off-putting. I was like... "If that makes you change your mind about liking me, just say so now and my feelings won´t be hurt. After this, though, you will be hurting my feelings. So this is your chance." He assured me that it didn´t bother him, whatever. I went home and asked myself what the hell I was doing. Oh. I should also mention that he told me that, should people ask, we are "just friends." Um... hello, creepy older guy? Not very reassuring.

Yesterday we went to Tonalá. I had people being like, "It´s about time you hooked up." And this girl told me that since I´d been hanging around Mateo I looked "so much happier" and that I´m being "more social". Okay? And he sat by me on the bus and held my hand and stuff. You know the drill. We decided to hang out last night, so we met about 8 to eat dinner and watch a movie. We wound up having to sit seperately at the movie because, literally, there were not two open seats together. After the movie he walked me home. And wanted to make out in every dark place along the road. Okay, I don´t mind kissing. Kissing is nice. But it´s a little less enjoyable when the entire time you´re kissing, the person you are kissing is... not focused on your lips. And I was thinking... a week ago, this was just another guy. What makes him think that this is okay? Anyway... when he dropped me off at home, I told Mateo that he needs to rethink this. I understand that he really likes me, but it´s extremely obvious that he wants or expects a lot more from a girl than what I can or will give him. If you know what I mean. He left... not happy, but saying he would think.

I guess I am just pissed off at myself. I liked the attention. Mateo is a sweet talker to the 20th degree. It´s nice being told that you´re pretty and stuff. But... I don´t think I´ve ever felt so... desired entirely for my body. He tells me that I should be a model or a mother. He doesn´t suggest that I do things with my brain or my talent. He says he´s attracted to me because I´m a "good girl" and a "young lady"- I don´t drink or smoke or have bad habits or partying friends. I´m calm and quiet and different from everybody else. That´s pretty much just what I wanted to hear since I´ve been feeling like such an outcast for exactly those reasons. And yet... he likes that I am a good, innocent girl... but he wants me to do things that aren´t so good or innocent. Well. I guess a lot of people would call them "good", but definitely not in the same way.

I´m so stupid for not realizing that an older guy would just be all about sex. I´m so stupid for even considering involving myself with guys while I am here. I am so stupid for trying to hook up with someone just days after breaking up with my long term boyfriend. I thought I was being smart and careful and everything... that I wasn´t going to get taken advantage of because I am young and naive. It didn´t do any good, though. The next time I see Mateo, I am going to have to tell him that the only thing we can be is friends. And if he can´t be satisfied with that... well, then nothing. I think at this point hanging out alone in my room every afternoon and all weekend is better than putting up with the stresses of this friendship. It´s not worth the risk. I´m trying to do the smart thing now, even if I have been pretty dumb this week.

Now you know what´s up with me. Hope that you enjoyed your little peek into the soap opera I´m starring in down here in Mexico. (Except here they are called telenovelas, not soap operas.) Hopefully this next week will be less... psychotic. Uh... yeah.

Feel like commenting on my stupidity?


  • I swear I made a comment on your diary about how it sounded like Mateo liked you...yeah, it wasn't too obvious. As soon as your posts started including more of him in there, I thought somewhere along those lines.

    Isn't it interesting when someone is after you for your body than your mind? I'm sorry to hear about you and Murl. At least it will be great for the rest of us to see you when you get back here. Have I mentioned I haven't liked guys for the longest time? 3 years and going is pretty insane...kissing is nice and all...was he a good kisser? I sound like a junior high giggle-gossip. Oh, dear. Well, at least you were firm with him...taking advantage; bad llama.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:30 PM  

  • Dammit, I forgot to leave my name again.


    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:30 PM  

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