Sarah, Hopefully

Sunday, October 03, 2004

Que si me muero, será de amor...

Welcome to another entry where really I have nothing to say, but I also have nothing better to do than sit here and waste my money by surfing the internet for a couple of hours. Enjoy.

Bleh. It´s another one of those weekends that I spend all by myself, doing basically nothing but watching TV and coming here to check my email. It´s thrilling, I tell you. In some ways I am surprised that Mateo hasn´t called, but at the same time I am glad. Isn´t that messed up? I want him to call, but I am glad that he doesn´t. Maybe he found some other girl to be obsessed with and my problems will all be solved. Doubtful... but it could happen. Right?

Yesterday after coming here and writing my last entry, I gave in to my weaknesses and went to the Plaza Galerias. I first went to this store called Sanbourns, which just opened this weekend. I didn´t look around a ton because there were so many people, but they seem to have a little bit of everything, including tons of books and some english magazines. Anyway... I decided to buy a paperback version of "The DaVinci Code", which I hadn´t read yet. Then I went to McDonalds. Of couse. I really was in need of a pick-me-up yesterday, though... I was definitely feeling down and depressed.

I just don´t think I´ve ever been farther from where I want to be before... physically, mentally, or spiritually. If I could be anywhere right now... I actually think I would like to be in college. REALLY in college, not just... taking classes at a university. People tell me that I am in college right now, but it´s definitely not the same as if I were back in the US, away from home, living in a dorm, taking a full course load. Mentally... I don´t know who I am anymore. For some reason that seems to be my big question. Who am I? What do I want? Somehow I think those are the wrong questions, but I don´t know what else to ask. And spiritually... well, I´m pretty spiritually bankrupt. In some ways I feel like this huge hypocrite saying I want to remain a virgin until marriage for spiritual reasons... but I´ve lost so much faith, so much of my identity... I have to cling to the integrity and ideals that I still have. I just... I want and wish I was in a right place with God, but no matter what I do or don´t do, nothing seems to change. I keep thinking that maybe going to college will fix things... that being at a christian college, surrounded by Christians and people who teach about God... that it will force me to do what I don´t have the strength or courage to do myself. Maybe not. I don´t know. It´s probably just wishful thinking... who knows?

I just... wish I had something more to occupy my mind this weekend. I already finished reading that book... I was up until 2 am, actually. Haha... sounds familiar, huh? That´s what I did all summer... stayed up late reading and such. I´m tempted to go back and get another book, but I should save my money. I just... don´t have anything else to do.

It´s a gorgeous day... lots of blue sky, a few clouds, but it shouldn´t rain too soon... it´s really a nice temperature, cool but not at all cold, with a nice breeze. Yesterday I took a bit of a walk around the neighborhood. I walked past a house where the family´s pet duck was wandering around the front yard. How weird is that?

I don´t know what I want. Friends? Entertainment? Purpose? A challenge? God? Truth? All of the above? Blah. I think too damn much. I should just go to sleep until tomorrow.

3 Comments:

  • College isn't necessarily going to fix things for you or patch up your spiritual life, that's up to you, but being in Christian fellowship DOES help you out a lot. :) For accountability, friendships, etc etc.

    I think you are asking the right questions, but you've been asking them for quite a while...now you gotta go pursue it. :) The answers are waiting for you, not the other way around.

    Don't lose faith! :)

    ~Courtney

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:13 AM  

  • Whoah, haha, I just had a complete and total moment of "When did I say THAT, and why doesn't it sound like me?!" weeeeee

    By Blogger Courtney, at 5:46 PM  

  • you are singing a song bY Juanes!!
    Como 'tas vata loca?
    yo aca en Kansas, en Ku, medio aburrida y con toda la envidia del mundo de que estas en mexico(Mexico lindo y querido, si muero lejos de ti, que dijan que estoy dormido, y me traigan hasta ti!)
    anywho...
    you can find out who I am(if you haven't guessed already) by going to
    http://www.livejournal.com/users/locazuluna/

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:53 AM  

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