Sarah, Hopefully

Friday, October 15, 2004

To know you

It’s well past midnight
And I’m awake with questions that won’t wait for daylight
Separating fact from my imaginary fiction
On this shelf of my conviction
I need to find a place where You and I come face to face

I feel like I have spent so much of the last two years just... wandering. I had a falling out- with my church, with God- and I am left with a desperate wanting. I want to be different. I want to go back to having a well of faith inside of me to draw from in the hard times and the good times. I want to have the joy of being right with God again... but my doubts and my guilt and my insecurities keep pushing my goals to somewhere just beyond my reach.

Thomas needed proof that You had really risen undefeated
When he placed his fingers where the nails once broke Your skin
Did his faith finally begin?
I’ve lied if I’ve denied the common ground I’ve shared with him

I wonder what it´s going to take. I´ve been broken. I don´t have my church to rely on anymore. I don´t have friends to rely on anymore. I am in a foreign country where I know no one, where the language is not my native language, where 90% of the population is Catholic... I am truly alone. No one here can tell me what to do or what is best for me, becaues no one here knows me. The only people who know me here are me and God. That´s scary.

And I, I really want to know You
I want to make each day a different way that I can show You how
I really want to love You
Be patient with my doubt
I’m just tryin’ to figure out Your will
And I really want to know You still

I have all sorts of free time here. I don´t have friends to call so we can go hang out. I don´t have a car to go driving around in, and this city is too big and dangerous to go wandering off by myself into the unknown. I have a lot of time to myself to think, which can be... unnerving. I have too much time to ask myself questions: Who am I now? What do I want? What is going to happen in my future? Where do I go from here? I wonder if I my confusion is all part of God´s plan and if He will lead me to where He wants me to go, or if I am going to make the wrong decisions because I am too afraid to ask Him for help. I wonder if I am going to screw up my life, all because I have forgotten what it is to talk to my creator.

Nicodemus could not understand how You could truly free us
He struggled with the image of a grown man born again
We might have been good friends
Cuz sometimes I still question, too, how easily we come to You

I grew up in the church. I learned all the "right answers" about God´s grace and mercy, about how Jesus died so that we can speak directly to God, how our sins are forgiven. Yet, I tell myself it can´t be that easy. Surely God doesn´t want me. I´m a sinner. I am sinning every single day, and I know better. I went to church, I learned right from wrong, I know exactly what it is that I do. How could he accept me when I come to him, knowing that I am sinning, and knowing that I am probably not going to change any time soon? It can´t be that easy. I have to get my life on track first, and then I will be worthy of talking to God.

And I, I really want to know You
I want to make each day a different way that I can show You how
I really want to love You
Be patient with my doubt
I’m just tryin’ to figure out Your will
And I really want to know You still

I know that my thoughts aren´t right- I know deep down that there´s no real way to get my life on track if I don´t have God in it first. The contradictions- of sin and forgiveness, of guilt and freedom- leave me stuck in this in-between place. Wanting a better life, wanting a relationship, wanting to give the responsibility of managing my life to someone who can do much better than I can. Feeling guilty, feeling trapped, feeling unworthy and unwanted and ashamed. What can I do? What should I do? I try so hard and nothing changes. I do nothing and nothing changes.

No more camping on the porch of indecision
No more sleeping under stars of apathy
And it might be easier to dream
But dreamin’s not for me

I need to figure this out. I need to actually follow through. It´s so hard. I feel like I am starting to get somewhere, and then something comes out of the blue and knocks me off track. I start to work on my life, and I get distracted. I just need to get it done!

And I, I really want to know You
I want to make each day a different way that I can show You how
I really want to love You
Be patient with my doubt
I’m just tryin’ to figure out Your will
And I really want to know You still


1 Comments:

  • The great and yet not-so-great thing about all this is that He wants you broken. He wants your ugly side and all your mistakes and shames...He can't fix you if you try and show him that you can fix yourself. He already knows you can't, and so do you, what need would we have for Jesus if you could pull yourself together and THEN go to God?

    But it's really hard. We don't want to expose ourselves. We don't want Him to really see us for what we are. But you know what, it feels a lot better when He does. When you can feel that He just...knows you. That's where the closeness comes in. Otherwise you're letting yourself be the barrier.

    Aaaand Nichole Nordeman rocks my socks off. :-)

    ~Courtney

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:41 AM  

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