Sarah, Hopefully

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

words unspoken

I can't go to bed without attempting to honor her.

Is this the way of grief? That on the dark anniversary of the departure of one of our loved ones, we all come back, trying to spell out, trying to remember...

She is not lost. She is found every day in us.

I remember Mr. Strecker laughing at her wittiness in Spanish class. I remember seeing her sing in choir. I remember apologizing to her for being in so many of her classes because there was always lots of name confusion that went with it. I remember Mr. Hess calling us "Sarah squared" because we started sitting next to each other in Physics. I always had goldfish crackers or wheat thins or something in my backpack that we would share. She was really excited when I gave her my senior picture... Mr. Strecker told me that her parents wanted me to know that I meant a lot to her, and that my picture was hanging up in her room.

She had all these dreams... she worked a lot harder than I did. I asked her once what she wanted to do with her life, and she said that she'd like to be a foreign minister or something... that she would learn every language in the world if she could. In some ways we competed to be better than the other in Spanish, but really, we both just enjoyed it... she borrowed a spanish novel from Strecker to read at home, and we spent one goofy 6th hour period trying to translate the blurb on the back cover. We joked about Norbertito, we compared grades with one another (after all, our numbers were right next to each other on Mr. Hess's grade sheet- he arranged them in alphabetical order by first name.)

She was... everything that I wanted to be. Young, smart, driven. She knew what she wanted in life, she was strong in her faith, she was funny and friendly... she liked everyone and everyone liked her. After she was gone, I felt... wrong. Like someone made a big mistake and took the wrong Sarah. I was so clueless last year... I still am, come to think of it. I was lost and doubting and hurting... she was full of light and life. I couldn't help but feel like she had a better future than me waiting... but she inspired me, too. In a lot of ways, I don't think I would have cared so much for Spanish, if not for knowing how much joy it brought to her life. If she couldn't learn it, I was going to work hard to learn as much as I could in honor of her. Her dream to go to other countries and learn languages was part of what made me look at study abroad programs and going to Mexico. I know she would have been so excited that I was taking that opportunity... she would have loved hearing all of my stories and weird vocabulary that I picked up along the way.

Her favorite song on the Spanish CD that Mr. Strecker gave us was "Si, Señor." I think of her and the first thing I remember is her laugh. She had this beautiful crinkly dark hair that I was forever jealous of. She wore a green sweatshirt all the time that I always admired, being a great fan of both green and sweatshirts myself. She was the one who penned the "Sarita" and "Sarona" names for us... well, Strecker started calling her Sarita, and then one day she left a note on my Open Diary calling me Sarona, and that was that. Even though my teacher in Mexico tried to tell me that technically Sarona is not the proper way to make Sarah bigger, I didn't care. Sarona. It's part of me. It always twanged at my heart when people down there would call me Sarita- the women at the laundromat, people at the university, other random adults... it's a common thing, but still... a part of me wanted to say, "That's not me!" But it also made me happy... like I carry a part of her with me, too.

She is gone... not lost. She is found in me, in you, in all of those who knew her and loved her and miss her.

Thank you, Sarita, for being my inspiration... for making me realize how selfish and silly I am sometimes. For making me grateful for what I have... for giving me dreams for my future. Gracias por tu amistad. Te extrañamos.

Saturday, December 25, 2004


I just did a little run of photo posting... photos from chillin' at HyVee the other night and a couple from here at home. I also just went through and organized all of my Mexico photos, scanning in the better ones of my non-digital pictures and dispersing them throughout the digital ones so they're all in some semblance of order. In a few days I'll go through and do a massive photo posting of those, for anyone who is curious (Courtney.)

Aaaaah it's almost Christmas Dinner time and I'm excited!!! :) :) :)

I'm sure I'll be updating more frequently in the next few days, just 'cause I have tons of time. Not like that's much different from usual... but you know. ;)

Random fun pictures taken with William, Amy, and Devin at Hy-Vee at like... 1am last weekend after a get together at Molly Flavin's house. Amy models her favorite orange juice. Posted by Hello

He's such a lay-day Posted by Hello

Funny faces Posted by Hello

Lil' Hunk string cheese, mm.  Posted by Hello

The expectant couple! Amy has William's jacket stuffed under her coat, but you can't really see it in this picture, sadly.  Posted by Hello

William gives Devin a box of Thong pads... a very necessary purchase.  Posted by Hello

Moan inducing chocolate.  Posted by Hello

Amy considers some PMS Tea. Posted by Hello

Willam meditating in the health food section. Ohhhhhmmm.  Posted by Hello

William managed to take a picture of himself in a mirror... good job, William. Posted by Hello

My freaky eye, woo. It kind of reminds me of "A Series of Unfortunate Events."  Posted by Hello

Julia in the kitchen, styling our family's one and only apron. Posted by Hello

Another shot of the apron Posted by Hello

Friday, December 24, 2004

It's Christmastime in the City

I just watched White Christmas with my dad and my sister. Good movie! I like it a lot. That's probably why I bought it on DVD a couple of weeks ago, hehe.

It has been SO COLD here lately... it really makes me reluctant to leave the house. Bleh. My grandma got here on Thursday... things are always a little strange when people stay here. For one, I have to sleep on the couch. She's really hard of hearing, too, so everybody has to speak REALLY LOUDLY for her to hear us. She always asks me questions about the computer... not entirely her fault, because when she asks anyone else in the family they all say, "Oh, Sarah would know." Grr. This time she was asking about how digital cameras work and how Julia and I manage to have all of our pictures as our screen savers. She likes to write these little stories about things, too... She's writing one now about "Christmas in Kansas." She picks up on the weirdest details, like the fact that we have a picture of wheat being harvested on our living room wall. Whatever. It's Grandma... you get used to it. ;)

The whole family has gotten into crossword puzzles. It started with my parents doing them to try and keep their minds young or something... now my dad, Julia, and I keep getting involved in them. We even took one to the church this evening to entertain ourselves before the candlelight service started. ;) Julia has been teaching me to knit, too, even though I kind of suck at it so far... I guess I'm improving, but not by much. ;) Practice makes perfect, I suppose? I keep just pulling it all out and starting over until I can get it right. We'll see. At this rate, I won't make anything useful until next Christmas!

Anywho... I suppose I should go to bed so I can get up at a decent hour and open presents. I don't really know what I'm getting... the days when I went hunting under the tree every day to investigate all the packages have gone by. I don't know how many presents I have or what shapes they are or anything. I only know that my mom got me a DVD, but which one, I don't know. I guess I could go through this basket of credit card receipts right next to me... but then where would all the fun be? Nope... I'll wait a few more hours and then find out. I don't really need anything, except for a job, and that won't come wrapped under the tree. ;) So... no matter what, I'll be happy, and tomorrow I get to eat the big turkey dinner I missed out on at Thanksgiving!! :) I think Papa and Julia and I are going to go see Spanglish, too... Murl and I had talked about going, but we watch movies all the time and I need to spend more quality time with my family.

Hope everyone is having a very merry Christmas. :)

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

It's the hap-happiest season of all...

...but only in a perfect world, of course.

I am feeling pretty good this week, though. I've been working on cleaning my room, our house is finally decorated for Christmas, I got to hang out with some former FS peeps (as well as some current ones) a few days ago, all of my Christmas shopping is done, Julia is going to teach me how to knit over Christmas... yeah. I'm doing okay. And I just ate an Arby's turnover and it was yummy. :)

I've picked up a little bit of spending money the past couple of days by selling books to The Dusty Bookshelf and to Half Price Books. HPB is actually a pretty cool store, if you ever get a chance to go in there... sometime after Christmas when I have some extra spending money I may go back and take a better look around.

I find myself making a list of things to buy "after Christmas" or "when I have money" or "when I get a job and a paycheck." You know how it goes. I guess my dad is highly concerned by the fact that I haven't really started looking for a job yet... but nobody is really hiring right at the busiest part of the holiday season. My plan was to wait until after New Year's, but I guess that's not good enough... not like he'd even tell me to my face that he wants me to get out there and look for a job. He tells my mom and my sister instead. Ah, how I love indirect information. Oh well. So far on my list for applying: Hastings, Borders, Target, Applebee's. Bleh. The whole application process thing is really frustrating to think about. Hopefully I won't have to wait too long before finding something... but who knows.

I still have a lot of stuff to do this evening, so I'd best get to it... thought I should update, though. Toodles.

Saturday, December 18, 2004

I am...

discontent. Tired. Lazy. Fed up. Lost.

That's all... just a few words to describe how I feel.

Am I really going to be home until next fall?

Friday, December 17, 2004

And here's the haircut... if you look closely you can see the layering in the front. This is after I played around with a curling iron a bit, too. Hope everyone likes it, and if you don't... tough. :) Posted by Hello

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Shave and a haircut, two bits

Woo... so I finally accomplished something this week... I got a haircut. It looks good, too. :) All part of my master plan to make myself look less like a geeky high school student and more like a mature young woman...

I'm desperately behind on my Christmas shopping. I think I'm actually going to try to go tonight and get some of that done. I've got way too many presents for my mom and way too few presents for everyone else. It always seems to work out that way. ;) Anywho... I can't believe Christmas is just next week. It seems a little more real now that I'm back home and freezing my fingers and toes off every day, but I don't think it will TRULY set in until we get the tree and decorations up this weekend. Julia is coming home tomorrow, and then we can get started on that, yay. I do so enjoy the Christmas Tree lights.

There are currently 4 bags of chocolate chips, one box brownie mix, one tub sugar cookie dough, and two tubs of frosting in the kitchen awaiting a most industrious day of cookie making. My sister and my dad are going to hurt me. ;) They don't like having all those cookies around because they EAT THEM (before I get my fair share, I might add...) (this is also what happened when my mom bought me at 12 pack of coke when I got home. I don't think I even drank half of them... my dad beat me to them, grr! Those are NOT on his diet.) Maybe I can give them as gifts. Speaking of gifts... I need to mail Courtney's gifts soon! At this point they will hopefully get to her sometime nicely in between Christmas and her birthday... just right. ;) (Of COURSE I planned it this way... what, did you think I was just a procrastinator who kept forgetting to buy a box to mail stuff in? No way!)

I'm in a pretty good mood today, for a change... partly because of the haircut, partly for other reasons... and maybe people will be disappointed in me, but I'm happy, and I haven't been happy for a while. We'll see. For today... I'm happy. That's enough for me. I was getting pretty tired of feeling blah and mopey all the time. Julia comes home tomorrow, I also have a voice lesson tomorrow, and I can't believe this week is already halfway over! Yikes!

I hope everyone is doing well, wrapping up with finals or enjoying their first few days at home. As always, feel free to call my cell phone (218-4942) if you want to do anything... I have lots of time! :)

Sunday, December 12, 2004

I'm lonely.

Super powered

Woo hoo... home again. I actually made the drive down to Arkansas and back without incident.

The weekend was okay... Julia and I made lotsa cookies and stuff. It was good to hang out with my sistah, even though she's coming home later this week... I know that once she gets here she will be spending lots of time with Tyler, so it was nice to have some time with just the two of us. Her new dorm is really cool, too, even when the elevator doesn't work. ;)

I actually don't mind all that driving... once you get past Kansas City, there's a lot of pretty scenery... open space, hills, trees. That sounds boring, doesn't it? It was nice, though. Just to be alone for a while, turn up my CD's and sing along, think about stuff.

I was on the go all weekend... but at the same time I've felt really lonely the last few days. Especially now, when I'm home and my parents aren't here and there's no one to talk to and nothing to do... I suppose the loneliness will pass eventually. I don't know. I'm tired. I'm still kind of sad... How do I put it? "It's winter in my heart." I don't know. Life is weird right now.

No one really writes me anymore... it's kind of sad. I know everyone else is busy with finals wrapping up and Christmas break coming, though... I guess I just have to be patient. I wish our Christmas tree were up already... I'd go into the living room and turn off all the lights except for the one on the tree and lay on the couch and look at them. Next week I can do that. We have to wait for Julia to come home.

Ugh... I hate being so melancholy. Not much to do for it, I suppose... I'll just have to learn to deal.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Life changes and people change and time moves on and we have to, too... and there's a million and one trite things to say, but the truth is, change hurts. I hurt. It hurts. And that's okay. It's going to hurt for a while... it hurts when things change, when a chapter of your life that you lived and loved closes it hurts. It hurts because it was good, it hurts because it's over... It hurts because you can't avoid the hurt.

I'm going to visit my sister in Arkansas for the weekend. The drive there and home all by myself is a little daunting, but it should be a good time while I'm there... at least it'll get me away from home for a while. Awhile? I shouldn't write when I'm tired.

The more you try to explain, the more you trivialize it... I don't want to trivialize. It happened. That's enough.

But it hurts.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004


I feel ya, Kevin. I feel ya. Posted by Hello

Time Warp

I felt SO OLD today. I went into the Dillons video department to hook myself up with some cheap DVD rentals, and there was a little girl in there with her mom. They were looking at movies and the girl asked, "What was that one that you said I hadn't seen? About the kid and the robbers break in and stuff?" And her mom was like, "Home Alone." And the little girl ran off to see if they had it on DVD. I was saddened. What kind of world have we come to where small children do not know the magic that is Home Alone? Macaulay Culkin, anyone? Anyone? Please?

Just as I was waking up today, my mind started playing over the last three weeks... damn, a lot has happened. I've been feeling kind of brain dead lately and I think that's why... I'm just kind of doing whatever seems right at the moment. I'm too emotionally burned out to really make decisions or think things through. So I've done a lot of eating and a lot of staying up late playing random stupid games online or reading books that I've read a dozen times before... I've rented a lot of movies because they are entertaining while not requiring much effort on my part.

I just hate the stage of life that I am in. I hate being home and having no one here and not knowing what to do with myself... I hate waiting for my life to start. I hate feeling like I am spending a ton of my parents' money all the time. I hate my room and my clothes and... everything. I just want to throw out all the crap that is cluttering up my life-- physically and mentally-- and start over with a clean slate. I don't want to be the same girl who left here four months ago. I don't want to do the same stupid things I did before. I don't know how to avoid it, though. It's like... all of the things I left behind have formed this huge sucking pit of quicksand, and I am being swallowed whole. Blech.

Friday, December 03, 2004

I'll fly away...

Home is weird. Life is weird. I have no concrete plans for the next nine months. How crazy is that?

Next week I'm going to start looking for a job. Hopefully I can find something where I can use my Spanish, but if not, I'll have to settle for a run-of-the-mill employment opportunity. We'll see what happens... I need to find some way to stay in practice or all of the improvements I made in my Spanish over the last semester will go to waste. That would suck royally.

I've been eating a lot. I just keep feeling this compulsion to search through the kitchen for things to munch on. I'm trying not to succumb to my instincts, though. I miraculously did not gain any weight while in Mexico... how that happened, I'm not sure. I don't want to spoil it now by pigging out, though.

I just went to Hastings and rented a couple of movies to watch on the DVD player my parents bought while I was away. It's kind of awkward that the TV and DVD player are right in the living room now, though... I feel bad for kicking my parents out of the main part of the house, but it's their own fault, right? Julia said she might bring her TV and DVD player home for Christmas, though, so we could put those in the basement and have a way to escape.

I just wish... I could make decisions. That I knew what I wanted or what the future held... that I was more mature and sure of myself and my direction. I keep trying to be a grown up, but I think everyone is secretly laughing at me and thinking to themselves, "She's still such a kid." Argh.

Time to watch a girly movie and eat popcorn all by myself, yay.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

In America

Being home is... weird. Not like my time since coming home has exactly been what I expected... I never expected to be flying into Northwest Arkansas, for example, or spending my first 24 hours in the US in Southwest Missouri... or to go home for a day only to come back down here for a funeral. But you know... you take it as it comes. There's been lots of good food and I've taken a few naps. I think all of the stress from the last months is just catching up with me now. Every time I look in the mirror I think, "Man, I look exhausted." But hopefully that will improve with time as I sleep in my own bed.

Anyway... we got home Sunday night and I unpacked all of my stuff. I need to clean out my dresser... all of the clothes I left behind are stuffing the drawers, so I don't have space for any of the clothes I brought home, haha. I think I have a bunch of summer stuff taking up space that I can get rid of. I looked at my yearbook for the first time... very impressive! There is some GREAT photography in it. Way to go, William!!!

Monday I got up and went to FS for a while... chilled, saw Mr. Strecker, watched the two junior/senior choirs. I'm excited for the concert next week. After that I met up with Ashley at Chipotle (yum!) where we chilled for a while talking... then we went back to her apartment where I met her roommate, Todd, and we looked at old pictures and watched the Home Shopping Network and reminisced. It was good times. Then I went home and ate spaghetti for dinner, yum, and edited my final college essay and submitted all of my college applications (at last!) and had a phone interview with Biola. Phew! Busy day. Then I did some packing and went to sleep.

Yesterday my brother got to our house in the morning, and about an hour later we hit the road... it only takes about 3 hours to get down here, so it wasn't half bad. Lots of good food here at my Aunt's house... I took a nap in the afternoon because I am such a mess :) and then got up and got ready for the visitation.

The visitation was really nice... they had this DVD that my aunt made for my grandpa's 80th birthday party playing nonstop, with lots of pictures of him as a young'un and of the whole family. Tons of people came... friends, relatives, etc. My grandma was doing really well... at the end of the night after most people had left, she and I were standing by the casket and she was telling me about the suit Grandpa was wearing and about his wedding ring and things, and a couple of times she almost lost it... but she said she knew she was being silly and that she should go home and rest. It was weird to see him lying there... but not morbid or anything. It's just hard to imagine not having him around anymore, you know?

Right now we're all waiting around until it's time to go to the church for the lunch they are providing us. Julia should be here in a couple of minutes and I am really excited to see her. The church funeral service is at 3... my dad is doing a Eulogy, which he's been working on really hard for the last couple of days. I just hope my Grandma is happy with how everything turns out. After that is the graveside service, which should be really short. My cousin Amber's husband Jeremy is in charge of that one... I'm sure he's going to do a good job.

It's so weird. I thought I was still going to be in Mexico this week... right now all of my friends down there are getting out of class. And yet, here I am. Enjoying time with my family, eating a lot of really, really good food, mourning the loss of one of the most important men in my life. Quien lo iba a decir? I'm so glad to be here... even under these circumstances. It just FEELS like home, even though everything feels a little strange still. I wonder how long it will take for me to become Americanized again. Probably not long after my first visit to Target or Walmart, haha.