Sarah, Hopefully

Monday, January 31, 2005

Sicky writes an entry

Sorry for the lack of updates... I've been doing a lot in the last week or so. I went to California last Thursday through Saturday, and I've been getting progressively sicker, which I don't think I really admitted to myself until yesterday.

So... California. Went to APU... aaaaaaaand it's officially off my list of possible colleges. As well as Biola, because I decided that the California life really isn't for me, and I never really got to talk to people at Biola, anyway. But yeah. Thursday I got out there about 2:00, and they were like... "Well, we have nothing for you to do until 5. See ya!" So basically I had 3 hours to wander around in an attempt to entertain myself. I realized that their campus was REALLY small. Like, really. But yeah... I spent the time wandering from bench to bench, sitting in this little prayer chapel, and calling various people on my cell phone. Good times.

Finally got checked in, had to pay an extra $4 so I could eat dinner on campus (what?), was assigned a room to stay in... me and this other girl, Maggie, were in the same room, so we ate dinner together. Then came time for the "Cougar Challenge." They gathered all 150+ prospective students, assigned us to teams of about 10-12, and made us run around for two hours playing games against one another. Fun times. My team came in 3rd, which was sort of surprising. I think we cheated a lot, but we didn't really care. So... by then it was only 10 o'clock California time, but it felt like midnight Kansas time to me, and I had gotten up at 6:30 or so, so I was exhausted and went to bed. Sort of. I don't know how many hours of sleep I really got on that hard dorm room floor. They weren't good ones, though.

Friday... Got up super early, went to breakfast, then went to this session where they had students tell us the "truth" about campus life. Suuuure. Then we got back into our groups from the night before and hung out. My group decided to go check out the other side of campus. We wound up at the big Events center just in time for chapel, which was actually pretty good... their student-led worship was decent, and they had a really good guest speaker. By that point it had started pouring rain outside, so it took me about an hour to get back across to the other side of campus and get to the music building to sign up for a choir audition.

This part of my story frustrates me. I signed up, I asked for a warm up room, and then I was informed that I wasn't allowed to have anyone accomany me when I sang. Um, what? That seems like a sort of important detail to include in the audition information they send you. Like, "Choose songs that can be sung without a piano accomanying you." I tried to warm up and get used to the idea, but the more I thought about it, the more upset I got. Do they expect all of their singers to have perfect pitch? Why wasn't I told? One of my songs could NOT be sung without the piano. I got so upset that I started crying. I called my mom and told her I wasn't going to audition. By that point there was no way I could sing, anyway, between being sick and crying so hard that I had a horrible coughing fit. I just left the music building and missed my audition time.

By that point I knew that APU wasn't the right school for me. It was pretty obvious from observing and talking to the students that there was a huge difference between the spiritual commitment and maturity of the faculty and that of the students. I got the impression that a lot of California students go to APU because it is a good school with an excellent, caring faculty and good programs. However, there is no requirement that students be Christian, and there is no sense of spiritual community between students, even ones living near one another in dorms. I talked to the girl I was staying with (who was hilarious, by the way), and a lot of what she and her friends said really confirmed what I suspected. I attended some of the other planned activities for that day, but not all of them. During the financial aid one, I realized that there is absolutely no way my family can afford $27,606 a year to send me to school, especially since that school will only give me $4000 in financial aid. I got really angry again, realizing that the college credits I earned in Mexico screwed me out of recieving at least twice that much, because I am no longer a "first time freshman." Even though I am totally qualified for a lot more aid than I would get. I hate feeling punished for taking time off to do what I needed to do, to mature, and to pursue something that I am passionate about. I think that should be rewarded, not punished. Don't you?

Anyway. Long weekend, little sleep, got up super early Saturday (5am California time) to take a really crowded flight to Denver (with a screaming baby across the aisle) and then a much less crowded flight to KC (during which I talked to an aging carpenter/hippie from California about a variety of topics, including pets, cars, and computers. Nice guy.)

So.... yeah. I'm really sick. I think that despite what Murl and his doctor said, he DID give me bronchitis. We'll see, though. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow morning. I'm tired of coughing all the time. This morning I had a job interview at Kohl's, but I'm really not sure how it went. They're doing a lot of interviews this week, and besides, they are only hiring part time- at the most, 30 hours, but they can only guarantee one 3.5 hour shift per week. That would stink, a lot. Hopefully I'll get more calls this week.

I slept all afternoon, even though I got a full night's sleep last night. Strange. And then this evening I baked some oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. They're okay... I only ate one and wasn't really paying attention, so I'm not sure how good they are.

I'm hoping to make a trip down to John Brown in the next couple of weeks. I don't know if I'd mentioned yet that they're back on my list of colleges... and, surprisingly enough, moving swiftly to the top. I'm sure Julia is laughing her head off right about now. ;) After my time at APU, though, I'm wondering if John Brown isn't the school by which I measure all others (and find them lacking...) Anyway... depending on how that visit goes, I may or may not make a trip down to Baylor. We'll see.

Ugh. My head aches, my throat hurts, and I'm inexplicably tired, considering how much sleep I've had in the last day or so. Sorry to those of you who wrote me emails that I have not responded to yet... as I said, the last week or so has been a little nutso. I still remember you, and I will write back soon, I promise!

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Painting photos

I put up pictures of the room painting process to appease those who kept harassing me. ;) I haven't taken any of the "final product" yet (furniture, etc.) because it's not done... all of my stuff is still in boxes, there are sheets and throw blankets pinned over my windows because we took down my blinds and didn't wash them until today, etc etc. I hope these will tide you over, and I promise to try and pull everything together to post pictures next week. I don't know how much time I'll have before I leave for California on Thursday to put stuff away. It's gonna be great, though, I promise! :)

My room... so empty! Posted by Hello

Removing my bed Posted by Hello

My room- cleared, plastered, and ready to paint. Posted by Hello

The incredible vanishing ceiling paint... goes on violet, dries white. Posted by Hello

Yay painting Posted by Hello

Painting the ceiling Posted by Hello

My room, half painted Posted by Hello

Peach wall paint Posted by Hello

My walls, both plain and sponge painted Posted by Hello

Yay! My wall all sponge painted and pretty. :) Posted by Hello

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Beam me up, Cloney!

I just watched Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones. Good grief, what a horrible movie! The acting was terrible, the script was worse, and the plot? I have no idea what happened. Even though the originals were made back in the 70's when they didn't have all the multi-million dollar CGI technology, those films look way better than this computerized crap. They look realistic! Yoda was a puppet, but he looked like you could reach out and touch him. Because you could. I'm sure it would have taken a lot of time and effort to be all miniaturized and puppetized ala the original three, but A) They probably would have saved a ton of money and B) It would have looked GOOD. Maybe they could have earned a little respect from the die-hard Star Wars fans. I've watched all of those movies multiple times. This filth they have been producing lately... it dishonors the originals.

Strangely enough, I'm not as into Lord of the Rings as I am in to Star Wars. Considering LOTR is the Star Wars of my own generation, that's kind of odd. Then again, I haven't seen all of the LOTR movies more than once... My mom is dying to own them, so maybe then I'll get more into them. We've owned the Star Wars trilogy on VHS for years and years.

Wow, I'm such a geek sometimes.

Anyway... my dad came home and put the second coat on my walls in about an hour and a half, putting me to shame... it took me twice that long to do the first coat yesterday. Then again, he has more experience, and the first coat is harder. There's still a lot of touch ups to do, as well as the sponge painting... but it's looking good so far. :) Tomorrow I'll probably just do touch-ups... I have a voice lesson and a doctor's appointment, so I won't have time to experiment with fancy painting techniques. Saturday we're going to go buy me a new bed frame and then I'll try the sponging. Cross your fingers! ;) I'll post pictures once it's all done.

I miss my friends. Ashley, Courtney, Jenny... all of them. Murl is awesome, but still... sometimes you just need some girls to hang out with and have girl talk with and be silly with, you know? Things change... okay, I am not going to have another melancholy entry! No no no.

Ooh! I got a call from Georgia Joe today. He called me from ISRAEL. Totally awesome. We could relate on some of our study abroad experiences... he won't be back until June, though. Apparently he has a Canadian/Israeli girlfriend. Good for him. He deserves some success in his love life. ;)

Starbursts are really, really yummy. So are turnovers from Arby's... I had those today, too. And I want to make some oatmeal chocolate chip cookies... 'cause those are really good. I like food. I'm getting fat and I don't caaaaaaare... I'll just go buy some new jeans, hahaha.

I should go to bed so I can get up and sing LALALALALA in the morning. G'night!

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Paint me a picture

-entry below-

What am I gonna be when I grow up?
How am I gonna make my mark in history?
And what are they gonna write about me when I’m gone?
These are the questions that shape the way
I think about what matters

But I have no guarantee of my next heartbeat
And my world’s too big to make a name for myself
And what if no one wants to read about me when I’m gone?
Seems to me that right now’s the only moment that matters

You know the number of my days
So come paint Your pictures on the canvas in my head
And come write Your wisdom on my heart
And teach me the power of a moment
The power of a moment, the power of a moment

In Your kingdom where the least is greatest
The weak are given strength and fools confound the wise
And forever brushes up against a moment’s time
Leaving impressions and drawing me into what really matters

You know the number of my days
So come paint Your pictures on the canvas in my head
And come write Your wisdom on my heart
And teach me the power of a moment
The power of a moment, the power of a moment

I get so distracted by my bigger schemes
Show me the importance of the simple things
Like a word, a seed, a thorn, a nail
And a cup of cold water

You know the number of my days
So come paint Your pictures on the canvas in my head
And come write Your wisdom on my heart
And teach me the power of a moment
The power of a moment, the power of, the power of, the power of a moment

For some reason that song comes into my head a lot. I think it's the first line- "What am I going to be when I grow up?" Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii don't know.

I hate job searching. I hate it I hate it I hate it. I have to postpone painting my room- or rather, COMPLETING painting my room-- because my parents don't think I've done enough job searching. So I guess I'll spend a few extra days sleeping on the couch with my room's contents spread all over the house. Argh. I have to put a second coat on my walls... I did the whole first coat today, but it's pretty patchy. At least I can buy the paint tomorrow, even if I can't actually use it. Grr.

The Lawrence job market sucks. I hate having all these students around. I hate selling myself to these people who could care less whether I get a job or not. I submit applications and hear absolutely nothing. Thanks. They have all the time in the world. There will always be dozens of students in Lawrence yammering for jobs at any place that will hire them. The longer I wait, the less time I"ll actually be able to hold the job. The less appealing I will be. Argh.

I was actually feeling really happy this week. I've enjoyed working on my room. I've liked working hard and ending each day feeling like I've actually accomplished something. And then I get another pep talk about job searching, and am told that I need to submit as many applications as I can tomorrow and Friday- the painting can wait until the weekend. Great. I know it's true. I know I need to get a damn job. I just... don't honestly care.

That's awful, and not entirely true. I just hate the way everything about this makes me feel.

Life is about selling yourself. You sell yourself to get into colleges, to apply for jobs, to get dates... all the time. You take whatever minute skills you have and exploit them, dress them up, market them as loud and as hard as you can, and hope that someone, somewhere will think you're worth buying. And it feels so cheap.


On the plus side... my room is going to look really good, I think. I hope. I'm going to attempt sponge painting... that could be interesting.

I'm tired and depressed. Great. Goodnight.

Saturday, January 15, 2005

One of the pictures referenced in the below entry. This is me and Kit makin' macaroni in her kitchen while dancing to the En Vogue CD. According to Courtney's files, this is from 2002. That would be... fall of Junior year? Yeesh. My pants are super baggy and Kit's wearing booty shorts. Smokin'! Posted by Hello

Kit makin' macaroni. Check out that hair, woo! Posted by Hello

Do you ever...

Do you ever just want something different? Do you ever just wish you could drop everything and have a totally different life? Or want to.... rewind or fast forward and take a different direction?

I don't know what I'm thinking. Nevermind.

Saw The Phantom of the Opera tonight. Awesome movie. Awesome. I was quite impressed. I also really want to see In Good Company. It looks fun. It seems like I've been watching a ton of movies lately... partly 'cause I have nothing better to do than go walk around Hastings 3 or 4 times a week. If I'm going to spend so much time there, they might as well hire me. ;) Speaking of which... no news on the job front yet. Big surprise. And this week all the KU students return, so my chances of getting hired will be even slimmer. Oh boy. Sounds like a good time to be painting my room.

This week was better than last week... so that was good. I had my voice lesson yesterday and it went really well... for some reason singing is a lot easier now than it was last year. Maybe my voice has matured, or maybe there's less pressure... I don't know. I really like the songs I'm singing, too... so hopefully my audition at APU will go well. I've kind of been college searching some more... trying to find a place closer to home, maybe. I'm not giving up on the other schools... just expanding my options. I'm looking for a good time to go visit Baylor again. Probably sometime in February.

My mom and I sent off a bunch of checks for housing and tuition deposits today... to Biola and APU. Still no word from Baylor, but that's no big surprise. They won't look at transfer applications until after the normal ones. I expect to hear from them by the end of the month, though. Wow, for some reason the word "though" looks spelled wrong. I think I'm just really, really tired.

I'm kind of at a loss for what to do next. No big surprise. Tomorrow I'm supposed to go to church with my parents and try out the college sunday school class. That's a little scary. I'm still not sure how I feel about their church yet. Church still has a lot of confusing emotional connotations in my book... it's weird not to know anyone who goes there... it's weird not to be at the center of everything. It's weird not to be important. But... I promised my mom I would try it, so I will. Therefore, I must be off to bed. It wouldn't be good to face all those strangers looking like the living dead, now would it?

I said "no big surprise" a million times in that entry. Wow.

Also, I wanted to mention that I picked up a couple of CD's at Hastings this week for 50 cents each. The Savage Garden CD and EnVogue. Yeaaaaah baby. Savage Garden takes me way back to like... 6th grade. Plus Winter Formal and hearing one of their songs... lotsa memories there. And EnVogue? Well, I will always be reminded of dancing around in Courtney's kitchen making macaroni and cheese. We've got pictures of that somewhere. I'll post one. :)

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

midweek fun

Although the weather was pretty nasty today, I had an awesome day. I spent almost the whole thing with Murl, running on very little sleep... we didn't even necessarily do anything that spectacular. We just... spent the day together. Watched movies. Ate food. Laughed. Warm and fuzzy times... good times. I like it when things work out like that.

I am so exhausted. Sleep, pleaaaaaase.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Everything changes, everything stays the same

I've had this entry chasing around my brain for a number of days now... I guess it's time to lay down some thoughts.

It's strange to be home. I'm used to it now... but at the same time, I'm not. I dream about Mexico... I tell people about it and somehow that life seems more real than the one I have here. Most likely because the life I have here isn't much of a life, now. The home I left isn't the home I returned to. The people in my life, my relationships with them... it all has shifted so that nothing quite fits together anymore. It's natural, but it's not easy.

My parents and I had a really good talk the other evening... my mom said that in some ways we're like roommates now. It's hard to find that balance... Some days I want to be a child and have them take care of me. Other days I resent their parenting and want to be free to create my adult life. I think it's hard for them to know when to parent and when to just... be there to give advice when I ask for it. It's an adjustment for all of us.

I'm trying to be responsible and get out there and get a job... it's hard, though. The weather keeps kind of thwarting my plans. I applied to the Jayhawk Bookstore this week... they need temporary help for when all the students come back and start the new semester, and there's a chance for a permanent position. I'd like to work at a bookstore... for some reason that really appeals to me. We'll see if they call me. Nobody else has... It's frustrating to just be sitting idle for so long.

I miss the network of friends I had in high school... even if you didn't hang out a ton outside of school, there were still people to talk to every day... people you had some sort of connection with. People came home for Christmas break, but I barely saw them. I guess since we never hung out before, it's hard to think of us doing it now- especially since they're just going to go back to their schools and their friends there and the new lives they have. People I expected to see I didn't... and it kind of hurt.

I hate always feeling so awkward and out of place... Like I never have a group of peers. In Mexico, I was younger than everyone else and had a slightly different set of morals... eventually I found people I could be comfortable with, but there was still always that sense that we weren't equal. Now I come back to the people I once knew, but they've moved on as well... they're ahead of me, forging new lives. I'm in a town full of college students, but I'm not really one of them, either. I'm the awkward, in-between girl, looking for a job. Even though I have pretty much no prior experience. Hire me, please?

I don't like who I am, but I'm afraid to change... Mostly because I'm afraid that I will never be anything better. I can't see that my interests will provide much of a future for me, if I go on to study them in college. Once I graduate, then what? And how do I even choose a college? More and more the thought of how much debt I'm going to be in eats away at me. Is going to school halfway across the country really worth it? Especially if it costs so much? What do I really want from a college, anyway? I college search, I visit, I apply, but by the time I get accepted my priorities have changed. Is it really so important that I be around a big population of spanish speakers? Does the Spanish program really have to be excellent, considering I already have 18 credit hours of Spanish? That takes me halfway through the major right away.

I feel everyone growing apart from me, and that's okay... it's the natural course of life. I'm glad that everyone is building a new world away from Lawrence with friends and laughter and good times. But at the same time, it makes me wonder... Will I be a part of your weddings? Will you call me to let me know you're expecting a baby? Will I meet your husband or your wife before you get engaged, or will you proudly show me the ring while clinging to the arm of someone who is a total stranger to me? Will you be a total stranger to me?

Lawrence is like a ghost town to me now... The homes of friends are no longer there to be havens of laughter and companionship. I never travel to certain parts of town anymore- there is no reason to. Even if you were back there, I doubt it would be the same. We would not giggle and gossip as we once did. You have new friends to share your hearts with, and I am glad... and I am hopeful, that one day I will find a new home, too. Be it in California or Texas or somewhere else I don't know of yet... It's different for me than it is for you. You have moved on, and you are looking back on what once was, and it's a distant memory. But I am here in the midst of what once was, and I can see the empty spaces you have left. I just have nothing to fill them with yet.

Sorry to be so melancholy. There is some stray cat yowling outside the window... All the neighborhood cats seem to have taken a liking to our house and yards, because they are always prowling around here (and screeching in the night.) I have to get up really early tomorrow to drive the girls I babysit to school... Doni is pregnant, yay! (That's the Encore Doni, for those of you who don't know.) She and her husband have to go to the doctor early, so I get to drive Cleo and Ana across town to Sunflower school, fun! And then Murl has the whole day planned for us to spend together... could be interesting. ;)

I really really really need to get a job... if only to get out of this house and preserve my sanity!

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Bundled Up

Ugh... it's hard to feel inspired to write in your blog when nobody else seems to be writing. I get tired of nagging and asking people to write... I guess if they want to, they will, and if they don't want to, they will leave their online diaries as empty husks. :P

Thank you, Julia, for coming in and saying, "DO IT! DO IT! UPDATE IT!" What does she think I'm doing??? Yeesh.

Anyway... today the job hunting started. I applied at Target (they aren't hiring until the start of February, I found out after 25 minutes of staring at the computer screen), I picked up an application at Office Depot, and I saw an ad in the newspaper for someone on Mass street hiring full time... it turned out to be Mark's Jewelers, weird. I picked up an application anyway. I guess that'll give me something to do while I'm trapped in the house by snow and ice for the next day or so. Blech.

I've been accepted to APU, yay. They called me to tell me on the phone today... I'm not surprised. It's not getting into the schools that is the problem- it's getting enough money from the schools to be able to afford attending them. Argh. I hate money.

The house keeps making these really loud cracking sounds that I've never heard before... it's not very comforting that they all seem to come from the floor of my bedroom, or between my bedroom and the office. Is the house going to collapse? That's the side of the house where all the water gets into the basement... yeesh. It really scares me if I get up in the middle of the night. BOOM! it goes. yeesh.

I've really been rather content to sit in the house and read books or watch movies all day... partly because I'm not really surprised that nobody every contacts me to do things... I guess I've just gotten used to being alone. Jenny never called me or anything about getting together, so I didn't get to give her the Christmas present I got her in Mexico... oh well. A lot of people are returning to their schools soon, too, if they haven't already. I guess that's what happens after high school... it still kind of sucks, though.

I have Don McLean's "American Pie" in my head right now, for absoultely no reason. I can't believe Madonna did that horrible remake of it... gag. I would like to get some more CD's... I guess that's another thing to file under "things to buy after I have a job and a paycheck." It keeps growing longer and longer...

My life is so boring, haha. I've been doing voice lessons to get ready for my choir audition at APU in January... I've been reading a lot. No Gilmore Girls Season 2 DVDs yet, so I can't watch them... I like how Hastings does the dollar credit on movies you bring back the next day. It's nice to go in and only have to pay a dollar fifty because you took two movies back early the time before... :) Oh, the small treasures in life... like frosted strawberry pop tarts, cold cans of root beer, soft and worn comforters in the morning... yeah.

I keep having these strange dreams... they're so thick and heavy that I can't wake up out of them, and once I do, I feel groggy and disoriented for a long time. Weirditude... I can't wait until I actually have something to do with my days other than be a lazy bum. I'm sure my parents can't, either, considering the way they keep nagging me about job hunting. *sigh* I'm sure I won't get a lot of it done tomorrow... Lawrence Public Schools already cancelled because the forecast is so bad. Lots of snow and rain and ice, ooh boy. I'm sure Julia is fine with it-- she has Tyler here until Thursday. Ducky for them. ;)

So... yeah. That's my life. Later.