Sarah, Hopefully

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Everything changes, everything stays the same

I've had this entry chasing around my brain for a number of days now... I guess it's time to lay down some thoughts.

It's strange to be home. I'm used to it now... but at the same time, I'm not. I dream about Mexico... I tell people about it and somehow that life seems more real than the one I have here. Most likely because the life I have here isn't much of a life, now. The home I left isn't the home I returned to. The people in my life, my relationships with them... it all has shifted so that nothing quite fits together anymore. It's natural, but it's not easy.

My parents and I had a really good talk the other evening... my mom said that in some ways we're like roommates now. It's hard to find that balance... Some days I want to be a child and have them take care of me. Other days I resent their parenting and want to be free to create my adult life. I think it's hard for them to know when to parent and when to just... be there to give advice when I ask for it. It's an adjustment for all of us.

I'm trying to be responsible and get out there and get a job... it's hard, though. The weather keeps kind of thwarting my plans. I applied to the Jayhawk Bookstore this week... they need temporary help for when all the students come back and start the new semester, and there's a chance for a permanent position. I'd like to work at a bookstore... for some reason that really appeals to me. We'll see if they call me. Nobody else has... It's frustrating to just be sitting idle for so long.

I miss the network of friends I had in high school... even if you didn't hang out a ton outside of school, there were still people to talk to every day... people you had some sort of connection with. People came home for Christmas break, but I barely saw them. I guess since we never hung out before, it's hard to think of us doing it now- especially since they're just going to go back to their schools and their friends there and the new lives they have. People I expected to see I didn't... and it kind of hurt.

I hate always feeling so awkward and out of place... Like I never have a group of peers. In Mexico, I was younger than everyone else and had a slightly different set of morals... eventually I found people I could be comfortable with, but there was still always that sense that we weren't equal. Now I come back to the people I once knew, but they've moved on as well... they're ahead of me, forging new lives. I'm in a town full of college students, but I'm not really one of them, either. I'm the awkward, in-between girl, looking for a job. Even though I have pretty much no prior experience. Hire me, please?

I don't like who I am, but I'm afraid to change... Mostly because I'm afraid that I will never be anything better. I can't see that my interests will provide much of a future for me, if I go on to study them in college. Once I graduate, then what? And how do I even choose a college? More and more the thought of how much debt I'm going to be in eats away at me. Is going to school halfway across the country really worth it? Especially if it costs so much? What do I really want from a college, anyway? I college search, I visit, I apply, but by the time I get accepted my priorities have changed. Is it really so important that I be around a big population of spanish speakers? Does the Spanish program really have to be excellent, considering I already have 18 credit hours of Spanish? That takes me halfway through the major right away.

I feel everyone growing apart from me, and that's okay... it's the natural course of life. I'm glad that everyone is building a new world away from Lawrence with friends and laughter and good times. But at the same time, it makes me wonder... Will I be a part of your weddings? Will you call me to let me know you're expecting a baby? Will I meet your husband or your wife before you get engaged, or will you proudly show me the ring while clinging to the arm of someone who is a total stranger to me? Will you be a total stranger to me?

Lawrence is like a ghost town to me now... The homes of friends are no longer there to be havens of laughter and companionship. I never travel to certain parts of town anymore- there is no reason to. Even if you were back there, I doubt it would be the same. We would not giggle and gossip as we once did. You have new friends to share your hearts with, and I am glad... and I am hopeful, that one day I will find a new home, too. Be it in California or Texas or somewhere else I don't know of yet... It's different for me than it is for you. You have moved on, and you are looking back on what once was, and it's a distant memory. But I am here in the midst of what once was, and I can see the empty spaces you have left. I just have nothing to fill them with yet.

Sorry to be so melancholy. There is some stray cat yowling outside the window... All the neighborhood cats seem to have taken a liking to our house and yards, because they are always prowling around here (and screeching in the night.) I have to get up really early tomorrow to drive the girls I babysit to school... Doni is pregnant, yay! (That's the Encore Doni, for those of you who don't know.) She and her husband have to go to the doctor early, so I get to drive Cleo and Ana across town to Sunflower school, fun! And then Murl has the whole day planned for us to spend together... could be interesting. ;)

I really really really need to get a job... if only to get out of this house and preserve my sanity!

2 Comments:

  • hey, don't worry - i'll ring you up the MOMENT i conceive ;P

    By Blogger Courtney, at 7:29 AM  

  • ^^^^^
    That is a scary thought...

    And me pregnant? HAH! I'll call you if I ever decide I'd like to get married! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    Hear back from any colleges yet?

    -Lauren

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:45 PM  

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