Sarah, Hopefully

Monday, February 28, 2005

Hanging up

I feel like such a bad person. I hung up on soooooooo many people today... and I got paid to do it! ;)

See, when you work in a financial office, you often times have to call different companies on "behalf" of the clients. But, since we are NOT the clients, and the clients don't necessarily know why we would be calling said companies on their behalf (lots of random housekeeping chores, etc.), we have to try our hardest NOT to talk to actual people. I've been calling different mortgage companies for the last week trying to find out some info on peoples' mortgages. Today I must have been all screwed up, because no matter who I called, I always seemed to get a REAL PERSON! Whyyyyyy would the automated menus not accept the numbers I punched in? Why do some companies not believe in automated menus? Anyways... if you work for a mortgage company and I hung up on you today, I'm sorry. Really, I am. It's nothing personal.

Tomorrow is Week 2 with the terror bunch... that's right, I get to teach Spanish again! This time I'm a little more prepared (as in, I'm deciding what to do the night before instead of in the hour I have between work and teaching? Heh, heh...) More activities, and hopefully stuff that these kids DON'T remember from doing this EXACT SAME CURRICULUM last semester. You know. But yeah. My stomach is in knots just thinking of an hour spent with those 3 little boys... the Terror Trio... on top of all the OTHER hyper, rambunctious children. Yeesh. Dios, por favor, ayudame!

Yeah. That's my day. And my knitting is going a little better. That's encouraging. Last night I watched 3 movies in a row, which was fun times. I watched "Raise Your Voice" with Hilary Duff, and I swear to you, I cried. It was really pathetic. But... it's actually kind of sad. I didn't know it was going to be sad, but it was. Then it got all punky and giggly, as all Hilary Duff movies do, but you know. :) I'm a loser, and I'm not afraid to admit it!

"Buddy the elf, what's your favorite color?"

No. Seriously. What's your favorite color?

Mine's green. I like green. But you already knew that.

Sunday, February 27, 2005

What is existentialism?

Sometimes when I'm really happy for a while, I can't help but feel that soon it's all going to fall apart... thread by thread, slowly dissolving until nothing is left. That, or everything will just blow up in my face. Isn't that sad? I wish I could just... cling to happiness and make everything else go away.

I feel really haunted by memories lately. I finally got my room put together... I filled this old cedar chest with memorabilia from my childhood and high school days. Notes and trinkets from friends I don't speak to anymore... Photos of people I haven't seen in months... By night I dream strange dreams, of old familiar faces and places and things. I have these strange flashbacks to my time in Mexico. It's like... I want to reconcile the difference between who I was, there, and who I am, now... I want to talk to those people who have moved on with their lives. We chat once in a while, but it's not the same. We are not the children who played with Barbies for endless hours and listened to country music. We are not the girls making up songs about donuts and splashing in a swimming pool and tanning on a rooftop. We are not the young women who giggled over cokes and danced as we made macaroni and primped with one another before high school dances.

I miss the people we were, but I know the time has come to embrace who we are now, and who we will continue to grow up and be.

I feel like my life is... really simple now. Work, Murl, home. I am happy. I just worry that it won't be enough to get me through to next fall.

I miss having... girl friends. People I can really trust and confide in. I miss... diversity in my life. I miss high school, and mexico, and youth group, and choir...

I'm tired of being sick with this cough that just won't go away. I'm tired of my body and my life and my mind... I'm tired of singing along with the radio when I don't know the words and the songs all sound the same. I'm tired of food and of being hungry and of wanting things that I cannot identify. I am dissatisfied, but... I am still happy. How does that work?

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Granny and her lady friends (and my uncle James) at her 80th birthday surprise party. Posted by Hello

My family with my Grandma, celebrating her 80th birthday. Huzzah! Posted by Hello

Oh, she looks SO HAPPY to be 80. Silly Granny! ;) Posted by Hello

Dorky me eating cake, yay. Posted by Hello

There was a possum in my backyard in the middle of the afternoon yesterday. Very strange. I think it was dying, sadly. But it was still a weird sight, and I felt compelled to take a picture.  Posted by Hello

Back by popular demand!!

My oh-so-demanding public has insisted that I update... so I suppose I shall.

Nothing much to say... I've been trying to settle into the routine of working. I got my first paycheck last week, which was very nice. Just in time to go down to JBU! Hurrah. I feel pretty good about my decision to go there. I think it'll be better than any other choice I could have made. Weird how JBU was the completely WRONG school for me last year, and yet this year it's so right. Go figure.

Anyway... lots of hanging out. Julia was pretty busy, since I went down there in the middle of the week, but I go to see all of her friends, buy her some groceries at Wal-Mart, talk to some people, attend chapel a couple of times... good stuff. On Friday we drove to Tulsa and went to the mall there... didn't buy anything. Then we went to my grandma's house for her 80th birthday surprise party! I think she was a little dazed by all the people and noise and stuff, but she really seemed to enjoy it. Her friends were really nice, too.

I've been doing some tutoring lately... Cleo needs some serious math help. I don't mind-- I do still remember how to play with fractions, thank goodness. And it gets me some extra cash, which is always a good thing, especially when you have a poor college student boyfriend. ;) I'm trying to put as much of my paychecks into savings as I can. Don't exactly know what I'm saving for yet, but... oh well.

Yesterday was my first day of teaching spanish to the kids at Corpus Christi Elementary. Aaaaaah it was awful! Both me and the other girl working there were told that we'd have 1st and 2nd graders, which was weird. So I wound up with 2nd through 4th graders, while she had kindergarten and first graders. And... all of these kids did "spanish club" last semester. Meaning they already have done everything in the curriculum. So I had nothing new to teach them, and was completely unprepared. It was an hour of extremely hyper children and me feeling stupid. Great. I'm not very happy about the lack of information, but I guess I'm just going to have to think of a lot of extremely active games if I want to get anywhere with these kids. And you all know how much I love extremely active games! *fake smile* Ugh. I have a feeling that this will be one of the longest hours of my week...

My room is still only half put together. I think I'm going to work on it Friday... that's the plan, anyway. It's nice that I always have 3 day weekends. ;) Julia is coming home this weekend, and I'd like her to see it looking nice, instead of just... thrown together like it is now. And I think my mom wants to set up her new sewing machine here in the office, but my stuff is sort of in the way currently. Oops.

I bought the new Kelly Clarkson CD last week for the drive to JBU. It's pretty good, but you can tell she went through a nasty relationship/breakup, haha. I think my two favorite songs are "Since U Been Gone" (it's on the radio currently), and the last track- a live performance of "Beautiful Disaster." Good stuff.

That's it. Are you HAPPY NOW??? ;)

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

midnight madness

Excuse the random photos below... just a little midnight experimentation.

Ooh my webcam takes photos! Posted by Hello

Paintingggggg Posted by Hello

Hehe... Fat Me! From Halloween last year. Posted by Hello

Saturday, February 12, 2005

Call me, call me anytime

I've had that song stuck in my head all day long. Stupid commercials.

It's been raining all day long, with no signs of stopping. I've been content just to stay inside and sleep and read. I feel like I'm finally getting the sleep I need to recover from this dratted sickness that's been plaguing me. I've been sleeping very soundly the last couple of nights, at least.

Hm... frozen twix bars. Interesting. Veeeeeeery interesting...

I think it would be really cool to learn how to make bread from scratch. I know it would be insanely time consuming, but still... it's be an awesome thing to be able to do. Of course, I think that about lots of things. I have managed to learn to knit, at least somewhat-- I have about 3 inches of good knitting accomplished. It would also be cool to know how to sew things, like clothes or quilts or something useful that's not a pillow... but I think I'm a little to impatient. I don't like knowing that I have to screw something up a dozen times before I begin to get good at it. I want to do it and have it turn out nicely the first time!

I'm re-reading this really good series that I just read... Have you ever read a book that completely absorbs you into its world? Where you stay up until some rediculously late hour reading, reluctantly put it down, and then spend the rest of the night dreaming of what comes next? Even though I just read it a week ago, I had to go back and start it again and capture the finer details. Definitely a series I will be buying for myself... I love reading. Especially on cold, rainy, dark days like today. It's comforting just to curl up on my bed by my lamp and read and totally lose track of the hours.

I had this big To Do list for my weekend, and I'm afraid I have accomplished very little of it... but oh well. I've enjoyed the time off from working and things. Last night Murl and I got together and watched movies and ate pizza and talked for hours... It wasn't really that different from the other times we get together, and yet it in some strange way it was. I don't know. Do you ever have moments you just want to put in a glass bottle and seal it up tight, to keep with you forever and ever?

I feel like a big kid. I don't know. Haha. I've been joking with Murl that I'm "too cool for school," but honestly I don't miss it. Not to say that I'll stay away from school forever... if anything, my job search has proven to me that I have very few marketable skills to my name! But it is nice not to have to worry about teachers and tests and homework for a while. I enjoy learning, for the sake of learning-- I enjoy expanding my mind and feeling like I've grown in some way. I know I'll do well in college, once I get there. I'm just not there yet. :)

I suppose that's enough of my fluff and silliness for one evening. This week is going to be a busy one- I'm traveling to John Brown on Wednesday, then on Friday Julia and I will meet my parents in Tulsa for a surprise birthday party for my Grandma (her 80th birthday, woo!), then hopefully Saturday I will be on my way home again. I get my first paycheck this week, all riiight! It won't be much, but it'll be something. Hoo-ray. :)

Leave me a note and tell me what your favorite animal is.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Hey Homes, smell ya later!

So I guess Nick at Nite has revamped their lineup. When I was a kid I used to watch Nick at Nite for such classic shows as Dragnet, Get Smart, I Dream of Jeannie, Bewitched, etc. Now they're showing things like Murphy Brown, Roseanne, The Fresh Prince, and Full House. I grew UP with those shows. I feel... old. :( On a slightly related note-- when I was in California they made us run around for 2 hours playing these dumb games in teams. They kept rolling around this portable stereo and trying to get us to sing along with the songs that nobody knew. After all the "fun time" was over and they were gathering us to announce the winners, they put on a song that EVERYBODY knew the words to. That's right- the theme song to The Fresh Prince of you-know-where. Way to go, Will Smith.

So my sister left me a comment saying that she misses my ranting. Do I rant? Hm. What could I rant about now? I have no idea. Haha.

So I've started working... Doni gave me a job at her financial office again. She's about 5 months pregnant and Encore is just getting into full swing, so that's good times. ;) I work Monday and Wednesday afternoons and all day Tuesday and Thursday. So... 3 day weekends, extremely flexible hours (about 20-25 a week), and $7 an hour. Not bad, not bad at all... if something else comes along I'll check it out, but for now this works.

Of course, it's lots of fun to work all day when I'm still feeling sickly. I'll be okay, and then a few hours after I get up my head and throat clog up and I start coughing again... yucky. I'm going back to the doctor tomorrow to see if we can't do something about this. Today my head was sooo achy and I was really tired, but I had to work and check break points on mutual fund statements (Formula for checking break points: Price per share on statement - Price per share for that date as listed in the newspaper; That total divided by the newspaper price per share, then you get a percentage that you compare to the sheet on breakpoints for that specific company and you figure out the break point. Ta da! You could be a financial planner!) and run to the post office and 3 different banks and it was snowing and wet and cold and I was tiiiiiired. :( Oh well. Then right after work I had to go home and get my mom to the grocery store before the roads got any worse (I was slip sliding all over the place!!!), but she bought me Chipotle afterwards so it wasn't a total bust. ;)

I've been watching toooo much TV lately. Last night I watched the end of 24 with my parents, then watched some CSI, then some random movies... I finally went to bed in the middle of Corrina, Corrina even though it was a really good movie. I should rent it. I've only seen parts of it before. Go Whoopi Goldberg, YEAH! (Hey Courtney, remember when we sat you down and forced you to watch Sister Act? Be glad that we never made you watch Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit!) Tonight I watched Gilmore Girls and 2 hours of The Amazing Race. I hadn't watched any of the shows before that finale, though, so I couldn't really tell if the couples were nice or always hating on each other or what... well, I COULD tell that the 4th couple who got eliminated was dumb. The girl was a head case, for sure. And then the guy proposed to her? After what HAD to be one of the Worst days of her life??? Wow. I'm sure she'll love to show the kids a video of THAT day! "Here's me screaming at Daddy because our taxi driver was slow. Here's me and Daddy getting out of the taxi in the middle of nowhere and refusing to pay the driver because he took us in the wrong direction... Here's me breaking a key in a lock because I am the least patient person alive. But look! There's Daddy being amazing again and again and again and again, even when I don't deserve it. Aaaaww." It seemed to come down to a lot of luck.

Okay... I'm gonna shimmy off to bed and get some shut-eye before braving the snowy, slushy streets tomorrow. Nighty night!

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

And then

Sometimes I'm just really upset by how unfair people are. How ignorant and unforgiving and cruel they can be. I hate how hard life is. I hate how much I feel like a failure, even at the end of a day when I've accomplished a number of things. I hate feeling like life will never get better, that I'll never make the right decisions, that I'll never do things on time or be successful or make people proud. I hate feeling like I've failed the world, and I hate feeling like I've failed myself.

Most of all, I hate the fact that, on top of whatever virus I had that was making me cough all the time, I now have a head cold and my nose will NOT STOP RUNNING. Aaaaargh!

And I really really really hate the fact that people don't post on their blogs. Ever. Shame on you. If you're not going to write in it, don't make one! Grr. How else am I supposed to keep track of you?