Sarah, Hopefully

Sunday, February 27, 2005

What is existentialism?

Sometimes when I'm really happy for a while, I can't help but feel that soon it's all going to fall apart... thread by thread, slowly dissolving until nothing is left. That, or everything will just blow up in my face. Isn't that sad? I wish I could just... cling to happiness and make everything else go away.

I feel really haunted by memories lately. I finally got my room put together... I filled this old cedar chest with memorabilia from my childhood and high school days. Notes and trinkets from friends I don't speak to anymore... Photos of people I haven't seen in months... By night I dream strange dreams, of old familiar faces and places and things. I have these strange flashbacks to my time in Mexico. It's like... I want to reconcile the difference between who I was, there, and who I am, now... I want to talk to those people who have moved on with their lives. We chat once in a while, but it's not the same. We are not the children who played with Barbies for endless hours and listened to country music. We are not the girls making up songs about donuts and splashing in a swimming pool and tanning on a rooftop. We are not the young women who giggled over cokes and danced as we made macaroni and primped with one another before high school dances.

I miss the people we were, but I know the time has come to embrace who we are now, and who we will continue to grow up and be.

I feel like my life is... really simple now. Work, Murl, home. I am happy. I just worry that it won't be enough to get me through to next fall.

I miss having... girl friends. People I can really trust and confide in. I miss... diversity in my life. I miss high school, and mexico, and youth group, and choir...

I'm tired of being sick with this cough that just won't go away. I'm tired of my body and my life and my mind... I'm tired of singing along with the radio when I don't know the words and the songs all sound the same. I'm tired of food and of being hungry and of wanting things that I cannot identify. I am dissatisfied, but... I am still happy. How does that work?


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