Sarah, Hopefully

Thursday, April 28, 2005

On the way back down

Bleh... this week has seriously been kicking my butt. I don't know why... I think I'm sort of relapsing into mono-badness. Tuesday was the first Tuesday I worked 10-5... and I about died. I was so exhausted and had a horrible headache by the end of the day... and I still had to babysit that night, bah. Yesterday Sherri was sick, so it was just me in the office all day... Doni was there part of the time, but I basically got to sit there and play computer games as much as I wanted, as long as I answered the phone. Strangely enough, I actually did other things, too, even though nobody was there to watch me be productive.

I've just been kind of... depressed. I don't know. Feeling very down and uncertain about the future... I mean, we grow up and think that if we just choose the right school and pick the right major and get the right education, then after we graduate we'll magically find the perfect job and maybe get married along the way and life will be happy.

The discouraging thing is, a lot of degrees mean jack crap. Certain degrees will get you high paying jobs, but what if you just have no aptitude for those areas? An English degree will get you pretty much nowhere in life. The job market is sucky. After graduation, if it's not necessary to go on and get a master's degree, it'll still probably be 10 years before I can get a job that is really what I want to do, unless some miracle happens.

This whole social security mess kinda freaks me out, too. More and more, I think that the government really isn't about doing things for the people. I mean, granted, you can't please 100% of the people 100% of the time, but... they aren't even close. So much money goes straight back into the government and to the politicians... the whole system makes me sick. There's something seriously wrong with the way that we're growing up and being educated only to be disappointed with the opportunities we have-- or serious lack thereof-- but everyone just sort of mindlessly keeps following this standard that has been set.


I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I have no idea anymore what my skills are or how I could use them in the real world. I just worry that I'm going to forever be stuck in a job where I have no passion for what I'm doing, but just while away the hours pretending to work because, hey, it all pays the same, right? Whether I'm checking break points or playing computer games, I still get $7.50/hour.

I'm just so burned out on my life right now. It's getting harder and harder to get up every day and go off to work. I just think, "What's the point?" and turn over in bed. I have an existence that basically revolves around earning money and then wasting it in an attempt to make my day feel worthwhile.

I just want... a break. Some glimmer of hope that my life won't always be this horribly pointless and empty. I want to stop feeling exhausted, I want my body to stop being the Enemy, I want my brain to grow. Argh. I sound like a whiny depressed brat, and I know it. I'm sorry.

At least tomorrow I get to do something a little different... Ashley and I are going to the Great Mall to go shopping. That should be fun... I just hope I'm not too tired. Oh well.

Sorry again for being a party pooper or whatever.


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